I try so hard to do well at school and be a polite nice person. Like my hardest ever. And yet guys go for the thick dumb girls who couldnt give two shits about their future! and then i get all down because guys dont like me. Why do i have this weird thing that i think having a boyfriend will make me happy? Well fuck you all dudes. I give up. I’m not guna try to be what you want, if thats not just being myself. So… yeah, fuck you :D This was a rather tiny amount of anger. But feels good to get it out!
Slightly… well, incredibley fed up with being me. Every girl i know is growing up to be incredibley gorgeous, even the ones who didnt look like they ever would, and i’m just stuck. Stuck with my face, my body. I don’t feel confident about anything anymore, not even my personality. I used to be the one who was completely happy with everything about myself because i knew i couldnt change who i am so i might as well live with it, but not any more. I just desperatley want to be pretty. I hate my eyes, my smile, my ears, my mouth, my teeth, the size of my face, my nose. I’m fat, i’m 5’1, i have un-natural sized boobs which is all people seem to see, my legs are the most disgusting thing about me, my hips are massive, my bum is also un-naturally sized. I’m not funny, i’m too quiet, i’m not confident in new situations, i’m the one out of my friends who isn’t known for anything i.e the funny one, the pretty one, the crazy one… not even the quiet one. I’m just odd. I really don’t want to be me anymore. I’m the type of person who in front of people acts confident and happy like nothings wrong or nothings bothering me but then i get home and i’m alone and all i can think about is how amazing every one else is and how much they have going for them. I feel like i’m always treating people shitly as well. I’m careful with everything i ever say/do to anyone incase it hurts them and i always put their feelings before mine, which i’m now realising is a bad thing but i still cannot help it. I’m not the smartest in school either. I know there are people who are a lot more worse off than i am. But i’m only asking for one good thing. Just one, i don’t even want to be rich and have everything i want, i just want to be a… good person in some way. Also the one person i know i can count on and is always there for me and that i trully do want and care for, i can’t have. And i know nothing is ever going to happen between us because i’m not half as pretty or nice or amazing as the girl he likes, i wish i could stop talking to him so that i no longer liked him, but i simply can’t and it feels like the horrible feeling i have is never going to go away. Just for a while i want to find somewhere to hide and not go out in to the world as i feel i’m bringing nothing to it, nothing at all. Not even for one person. Which would make me feel slightly better. I feel like a major loser these days. Some people have one particular best friend, or one person who means more to them than anyone else. I’m not that to anyone, and even just that would make me feel better. All i can say is… thank God for family. No idea what i’d do without my Mum and Brother, i know i really mean something to them, which keeps me going<3